Friday, April 29, 2005

take down the dogwood



anyone else feel like their face is about to implode/explode?

Tonight I am excited to meet my girlfriend's mom. This is an important development in our relationship. I hope her mom appreciates and understands our very complex and important bond we have. I might just wear my indigo girls t-shirt to dinner and talk about adopting for same sex couples all night. Then I'll bash the pope.

Bunny, so i've hear, apparently love the gays though. She should subscribe to Paper magazine.

GO girlfriend. Now that John Adams has a woman, and is preoccupied with his 10 mile marathon, you're all I need to survive.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Ta ta ta tuna


penthouse2 invite
Originally uploaded by andi814.
If you're a smidge hungry for an afternoon snack and chicken of the sea is your bite of choice, have I got the party for you!


I've got my sweatpants ready for hot and comfortable boner action.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Hungry Hungry Hippo


dwarf
Originally uploaded by orudis kt.
Hasbro better jump all over this before we do.
In case you can't read the article, it goes like this:
BANGKOK: A hippopotamus swallowed a circus dwarf in a "freak accident" in northern Thailand, according to a columnist in the Pattaya Mail.

The Grapevine column reported: "A circus dwarf, nicknamed Od, died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a yawning hippopotamus waiting to appear in the next act."



"Vets said HIlda the Hippo had a gag reflex which caused her to swallow. More than 1000 spectators continued to applaud wildly until they realized there had been a tragic mistake."

Yawning? Gag reflex? Something smells fishy, or should I say Od, about this.

Friday, April 22, 2005

oh where oh where can he be?


stache_superheros
Originally uploaded by andi814.
Today marks the official day where our relationship with John Adams got taken out with the trash. We are mourning our loss. John, I just want you know how much you've changed us for the better. You let us learn how to love and get in touch with our emotions. I know what love is now and I'll always remember you for that. I know this new girl may be prettier and skinnier and smarter than us but does she love you as much as we do? Does she John? Does she?


On another note: How hot does Bruce look in this picture? He's totally rocking a James Bond rico suave in a fleece look. That stache is totally rocking my world. Hi Bruce ;)

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Not so much a Musical Fruit


The orange is today's fruit of the day. Sweet, juicy, and nutritious, the orange can be a great mid-day snack. In celebration of the USDA's new Food Guide Pyramid, we at Urbanatime wish to promote healthy eating habits for this spring/summer 2005. Well, to be honest, we have attractiveness standards for Tar Beach. No fatties, no stinkies, no uglies. So eat up those oranges kids!

Please Note: Momma and Poppa Urbana are visiting this Friday and Saturday which means all Tar Beach festivities including the hot dog eating contest and beach volleyball are postponed until Sunday, weather permitting.

xo

Monday, April 18, 2005

Who wants to get hitched?


Lauren and I are watching the Neanderthal tonight... oh i mean the bachelor.
eh? eh?

Friday, April 15, 2005

SUNDAY STYLE



I say Sunday is mostly sunny and 70 degrees. a perfect day for a good hangout party on my roof. I'll be out there at 11:30 am. Come on down!

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Who's High Pitch?


Kelly
Originally uploaded by orudis kt.
This is Kelly Clarkson.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Shar Jackson on Brit's Bump


Hello Britney,
This is the original Baby Mama speaking. As the newest member of 'K-fed's Babies Mamas" aka KFBM (not to be confused with K-Fed's Bowel Movements of the same acronym) I'd like to welcome you to the club as well as offer you my condolences in advance. We meet weekly at the QuikTrip on Sunset so whenever you're ready to come talk we'll be waiting with Red Bull and Cheeto Twists at the ready.

In the meantime, I'd just like to advise you on a couple of items.

1. Please do not start wearing "Kick Me Baby One More Time" T-shirts. Kevin, confusing himself for the baby in your womb, just may try one of his world-reknown windmill kicks right to your gizzards. As much as he wants this baby in order to divorce you upon its birth and stake claim to your fortune forever, he simply cannot resist an opportunity to bust a move. Even if it results in the bodily harm of others. While you look great in those horrifically clever saying shirts (i.e. I'M A VIRGIN: but this shirt is old), leave the baby out of it.


2. Your kid is going to be ugly and will be lucky to have a future as an employee of the month at Arby's. While I love my little mooshoo pork of a daughter (see above), let's not kid ourselves. She's ugly.


But at least this child was conceived in love and not lust. He or she is so lucky to have documentation of its conception in photographs. I am confident that upon the utter demise of your career and convenient release of a sex tape, she will sit down with Pam and Tommy's kids for a panel discussion on what it's like watching the very seed of one's self be planted.


Finally, I have faith in you that the next time Kevin romantically sings "Dickey Ride, Dickey Ride, D-I-C-K-E-Y, you wanna ride?" you'll be able to say, "No thanks. I prefer the new Toyota Hybrid."
I can't wait to compare stretch marks,
Shar

bun in oven


bun in oven
Originally uploaded by andi814.
PREGGERS!!!!!!!!

Monday, April 11, 2005

Dating.com


Dating.com
Originally uploaded by andi814.
Orudis KT on Dating....

Do's and don'ts from a girl who
knows NOTHING about dating:
1. Do tell him his breath stinks
2. Do get so wasted that you wake up sitting on his face.
3. Do bring him home to play with your nintendo bazooka
4. do ram your bazooka in his dirt star

1. Don't offer to pay for anything
2. Don't wear underwear
3. Don't ask him to punch you in the face
4. Don't tell him about the blog (that's 3rd date)
5. Don't look pretty.

lookbook


lookbook
Originally uploaded by andi814.
Where does New York magazine find these douche bags?! This kid makes me want to hurl. (see below)

"Are you into products, too?
I’m kind of obsessed, actually. I use a lot of Kiehl’s—my favorites are the Extra-Strength Conditioning Rinse with added coconut, and Creme de Corps. My dermatologist, Dr. Joel Sabean, has his own line of face products, so I use those, and I wear Davidoff Echo cologne. When I was over in Madrid, in the spring of ’03, it had just been released, and I bought it."

BARF!!!!!

NYMag should include home addresses of their look bookers so haters like me can mail him sqashed bugs or put flaming bags of poo on his doorstep, ring the bell, and run away.

She called the shit Poo!

Friday, April 08, 2005

Frugal Fanny's


08cnd-pope.6.274
Originally uploaded by andi814.
Is the vatican in a recession too? What's up with the wooden box? No I'm sorry sir, we're on a tight budget, we'll take the plywood box. The man is the freakin pope. Doesn't he deserve a nice resting place? Rumor has it at the celebration after his burial there's a cash bar and kirkland brand cheese puffs for your enjoyment.

Oh and my grandma sent me an email this morning saying the pope was half lithuanian! GO GO LITHUANIA! I wonder if he has a nice grandson I could meet. Then we could make half lithuanian babies together. ....

ALIEN!


Greetings earthlings I believe you have all been, how do you say...punk'd? You didn't actually believe a human could be G.I. Jane did you? Imbeciles! All of you! Now remove your heads for my consumption! Thank you for your cooperation.

NO more SJP!


Fall into the Gap
Originally uploaded by andi814.
Thank the LORD! SJP is officially out of the Gap ad campaign. Thank you Elle Magazine for bringing this to my attention with your page 3,4 spread. I didn't need to see that little twerp of a woman dance around in Khakis any more. I don't need Gap clothes to enjoy being a girl and apparently many other girls didn't either. Sales were down 8% this xmas season compared to Q4 results last year and 20% down from company estimates.
I think Joss Stone is the next spokes lady for the retail chain. Which makes sense: she's 17, hot, talented, and mick jagger loves her. That will start soon so now we get generic model in blue squares. That i can deal with.
How do you wear it?

Dr. Ph-Pope-il



As a Dr. Phil fan, I am PERSONALLY insulted be this half-cocked Poprah
movement. We both know that the world is not ready for a woman pope.
Let's get serious. As Americans, we can't let some European or, shudder, some African
become the next pope. We need an American up there. And I’m going to
give you the opportunity to get in on the ground-floor of this exciting,
grassroots movement to get a man who truly understands how people work
and how to make them work better elected pope. A best selling author, a
public intellectual, a dietician. Dr. Ph-Pope-il in 2005!!!! First he fixed
the Osbournes, next he'll fix the WORLD!!!!

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Velour Pants


Velour Pants
Originally uploaded by andi814.
These pants are only $4 at www.kmart.com!!!!!

Monday, April 04, 2005

And the Papacy goes to...


POPRAH
Originally uploaded by orudis kt.
Ever since PJP became gravely ill (get it? gravely?) I've talked many a face off about my desire and indeed, I believe, the world's desire (albeit unknown) to send none other than Ms. Oprah Winfrey packing for Vatican City to be known henceforth as Poprah. Before you balk, check her qualifications, they're as good as any:

1. Most beloved woman of the new millennium
2. Fabulous at fifty
3. Best friends with John Travolta
4. Has not molested little boys
5. In fact, was molested herself so she can relate to said boys
6. Has held Julia Roberts' twins (an anointment of sorts)
7. Isn't married
8. Her book club is crazy popular and each installment gets a dedicated episode for its unveiling. I can see it now:
"Our latest book is just off the hooook! It is.......THE BIBLE! [crowd goes wild] Girls, let me tell you what, if you thought Leviticus was crazy just WAIT 'til you get to the Corinthians. Don't even get me started!"
9. Her party planner survived the tsunami
10. Has proven her stamina and longevity in her tireless battle of the bulge
11. Has not been in a porn or had a sex tape leaked to the press

Naysayers have already presented me with the most obvious argument: She is a woman. And to them I adamantly proclaim that Oprah transcends gender and, for that matter, race. She is the closest to God (any God, you choose) that we will ever get. Her name alone evokes Buddha, Allah, and Vishnu to come together for a round of Texas Hold 'em.

Those who'd like to join me in my crusade can receive a small 14K "O" on a gold chain in exchange for their crucifix and a mere $2 plus $1.50 in shipping and handling. You know where to find me.

Many thanks to Urbana for her exhaustive work on photoshopping the Papacy lineup and her endless support and encouragement in this endeavor. Were it not for her heroic efforts and tahitian hip-hop dancing, The Onion and/or Gawker would be credited with the Poprah movement.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Googlism!

My intern told me about this amazing website www.googlism.com. You can type in your name or any word and it searches for every time that word shows up in sentences. For example. Type in "Style" and you get a list of "Style is..." sentences.
Here's what Andrea is....

andrea is the biggest loser of all
andrea is having issues with the planning of her birthday
andrea is a punter of loudonline
andrea is established in cooperation with european distance education network
andrea is ready to serve breakfast
andrea is at the beginning there are no possibilities to support it all
andrea is a distributed
andrea is an exclusive
andrea is done
andrea is transferred to methodist hospital psychiatric unit and is diagnosed with a major depressive disorder
andrea is known as the queen of spanish television and especially of telenovelas
andrea is outgoing while not insincerely bubbly
andrea is back haha
andrea is a force to be reckoned with
andrea is the first known woman carver of may generations of carvers
andrea is big for her age
andrea is in 5th place after the short program at 2001 midwestern sectionals
andrea is alone because larry has taken a one
andrea is in a black bodysuit

INCREDIBLE.

Break my freakin heart why don't you


circ2
Originally uploaded by andi814.
Blogger you can suck a dick. Why do you suck so much sometime? For example.... posts take too long to show up. what is the deal yo? I have loyal readers that need their daily dose and they're not getting it. and when they don't get it, they get sad. I don't want my friends to be sad because then I will be sad and I don't like to be sad. So LIke I said.
SUCK A DICK

Doctor C. Feces on April Fools


The_doctor
Originally uploaded by orudis kt.
April Fool's Day or All Fool's Day is a holiday of uncertain origin. The closest point in time that can be identified as the beginning of this tradition was in 1582, in France. Prior to that year, the new year was celebrated for eight days, beginning on March 25. The celebration culminated on April 1. With the reform of the calendar under Charles IX, the Gregorian Calendar was introduced, and New Year's Day was moved to January 1.

However, communications being what they were in the days when news traveled by foot, many people did not receive the news for several years. Others, the more obstinate crowd, refused to accept the new calendar and continued to celebrate the new year on April 1. These backward folk were labeled as "fools" by the general populace. They were subject to some ridicule, and were often sent on "fools errands" or were made the butt of other practical jokes.

In Scotland, April Fool's Day is celebrated for two days. The second day is devoted to pranks involving the posterior region of the body. It is called Taily Day. The origin of the "kick me" sign can be traced to this observance.

The editors of Urbana time in order to increase their moments of fabulosity celebrate April 1st as they would New Year's. I have clinically diagnosed them as 'stewpid fools who look good in tights.' Spend the night with them at your own risk.