Monday, April 04, 2005
And the Papacy goes to...
1. Most beloved woman of the new millennium
2. Fabulous at fifty
3. Best friends with John Travolta
4. Has not molested little boys
5. In fact, was molested herself so she can relate to said boys
6. Has held Julia Roberts' twins (an anointment of sorts)
7. Isn't married
8. Her book club is crazy popular and each installment gets a dedicated episode for its unveiling. I can see it now:
"Our latest book is just off the hooook! It is.......THE BIBLE! [crowd goes wild] Girls, let me tell you what, if you thought Leviticus was crazy just WAIT 'til you get to the Corinthians. Don't even get me started!"
9. Her party planner survived the tsunami
10. Has proven her stamina and longevity in her tireless battle of the bulge
11. Has not been in a porn or had a sex tape leaked to the press
Naysayers have already presented me with the most obvious argument: She is a woman. And to them I adamantly proclaim that Oprah transcends gender and, for that matter, race. She is the closest to God (any God, you choose) that we will ever get. Her name alone evokes Buddha, Allah, and Vishnu to come together for a round of Texas Hold 'em.
Those who'd like to join me in my crusade can receive a small 14K "O" on a gold chain in exchange for their crucifix and a mere $2 plus $1.50 in shipping and handling. You know where to find me.
Many thanks to Urbana for her exhaustive work on photoshopping the Papacy lineup and her endless support and encouragement in this endeavor. Were it not for her heroic efforts and tahitian hip-hop dancing, The Onion and/or Gawker would be credited with the Poprah movement.