Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Shar Jackson on Brit's Bump

Hello Britney,
This is the original Baby Mama speaking. As the newest member of 'K-fed's Babies Mamas" aka KFBM (not to be confused with K-Fed's Bowel Movements of the same acronym) I'd like to welcome you to the club as well as offer you my condolences in advance. We meet weekly at the QuikTrip on Sunset so whenever you're ready to come talk we'll be waiting with Red Bull and Cheeto Twists at the ready.

In the meantime, I'd just like to advise you on a couple of items.

1. Please do not start wearing "Kick Me Baby One More Time" T-shirts. Kevin, confusing himself for the baby in your womb, just may try one of his world-reknown windmill kicks right to your gizzards. As much as he wants this baby in order to divorce you upon its birth and stake claim to your fortune forever, he simply cannot resist an opportunity to bust a move. Even if it results in the bodily harm of others. While you look great in those horrifically clever saying shirts (i.e. I'M A VIRGIN: but this shirt is old), leave the baby out of it.

2. Your kid is going to be ugly and will be lucky to have a future as an employee of the month at Arby's. While I love my little mooshoo pork of a daughter (see above), let's not kid ourselves. She's ugly.

But at least this child was conceived in love and not lust. He or she is so lucky to have documentation of its conception in photographs. I am confident that upon the utter demise of your career and convenient release of a sex tape, she will sit down with Pam and Tommy's kids for a panel discussion on what it's like watching the very seed of one's self be planted.

Finally, I have faith in you that the next time Kevin romantically sings "Dickey Ride, Dickey Ride, D-I-C-K-E-Y, you wanna ride?" you'll be able to say, "No thanks. I prefer the new Toyota Hybrid."
I can't wait to compare stretch marks,

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